I invite you to get trapped in ESCAPISM
They don't know what loss can feel like because they can't experience you like I can
Further
Look at me, just look at me. Don't be scared.
I'm not because you're here but where I'm going you won't be and that's my fear. It's not death that frightens me but what happens after. Will I forget you? Will I ever see you again? What will happen to me?
I will find you.
How can you be sure? What if I get lost and can't make my way back? What if you forget me?
I will find you.
I should just say goodbye and face it and get it over with.
We never say goodbye, only goodnight remember? That word isn't in our vocabulary.
It feels like the word is entering mine again, facing god knows what. I'm sorry I'm inconsolable. I want to believe you. I believe in you but I don't know what happens next. What if this is the end of the road for us? I think I'd rather vanish from existence.
You don't need to believe it, just know it. I will find you again and we'll be together. Look in my eyes. Do you trust me?
With everything, with the keys to my soul.
Then just know I will find you.
I know you would never lie to me and the other option is unbearable so I will need to just let this go.
Think about the next time and all the fun we'll have. Imagine anything you ever wanted to do and we'll do it.
I don't care what we do as long as you are there.
I will be.
I'd like to visit that amusement park by the ocean again. Wonder what it'll be like in some future time...
I'd like that too.
I can smell the cotton candy and the popcorn in the air. I want us to be there now.
We will be, sooner than you know.
I can't wait to have the strength to hold you again through the night and to satisfy you like I want to. Goodnight my everything...you have been my happiness...I'll see you there...
Look at me, just look at me. Don't be scared.
I'm not because you're here but where I'm going you won't be and that's my fear. It's not death that frightens me but what happens after. Will I forget you? Will I ever see you again? What will happen to me?
I will find you.
How can you be sure? What if I get lost and can't make my way back? What if you forget me?
I will find you.
I should just say goodbye and face it and get it over with.
We never say goodbye, only goodnight remember? That word isn't in our vocabulary.
It feels like the word is entering mine again, facing god knows what. I'm sorry I'm inconsolable. I want to believe you. I believe in you but I don't know what happens next. What if this is the end of the road for us? I think I'd rather vanish from existence.
You don't need to believe it, just know it. I will find you again and we'll be together. Look in my eyes. Do you trust me?
With everything, with the keys to my soul.
Then just know I will find you.
I know you would never lie to me and the other option is unbearable so I will need to just let this go.
Think about the next time and all the fun we'll have. Imagine anything you ever wanted to do and we'll do it.
I don't care what we do as long as you are there.
I will be.
I'd like to visit that amusement park by the ocean again. Wonder what it'll be like in some future time...
I'd like that too.
I can smell the cotton candy and the popcorn in the air. I want us to be there now.
We will be, sooner than you know.
I can't wait to have the strength to hold you again through the night and to satisfy you like I want to. Goodnight my everything...you have been my happiness...I'll see you there...
Exhale
Here you are
knocking down the door of the prism
the light that can see you
see all of you
in the form of a saint
that can enclose the devil
such a relief as you stand before me
no need to hide who you are anymore
you are seen
you are believed
pulse slows as the walls crumble before me
able to enjoy and taste of the varied scenery
equal parts of toxicity and greenery
Here you are
knocking down the door of the prism
the light that can see you
see all of you
in the form of a saint
that can enclose the devil
such a relief as you stand before me
no need to hide who you are anymore
you are seen
you are believed
pulse slows as the walls crumble before me
able to enjoy and taste of the varied scenery
equal parts of toxicity and greenery
Thousands
It sails back around in the thousands,
and we know we’ve survived again,
the eons past came dripping by while we watched the lights in the sky,
in that place and in that time,
I stood with open eyes for the first time in awhile,
to our shared fates and to the pledge,
meeting at major creases of time, if not in between,
and to never let go of what we agreed,
and as I wandered aimlessly,
you happened upon me,
not even the wine could numb the collection,
of the world we were side by side,
from all that spilling truth,
though ashamed to want it more than life,
even I couldn’t stop the ride,
from within the folds of time where we’d met,
despite the aching loss inside,
I could never again manage to hide.
It sails back around in the thousands,
and we know we’ve survived again,
the eons past came dripping by while we watched the lights in the sky,
in that place and in that time,
I stood with open eyes for the first time in awhile,
to our shared fates and to the pledge,
meeting at major creases of time, if not in between,
and to never let go of what we agreed,
and as I wandered aimlessly,
you happened upon me,
not even the wine could numb the collection,
of the world we were side by side,
from all that spilling truth,
though ashamed to want it more than life,
even I couldn’t stop the ride,
from within the folds of time where we’d met,
despite the aching loss inside,
I could never again manage to hide.
The Hill
There was an overlook where it all went down,
the world went silent as I witnessed the display,
of all that I cared to know taken away,
I rode that route over and again,
tried to imagine how it could have gone another way,
and how you’d have looked today.
The beauty of that mountain path,
stole away all my life and never gave it back,
the grass so pure covered the tale of everything that lay there,
it’s magnificence almost tried to wipe it away,
but all I could see were your scars and your sweet face,
and the iron bench I put in that place,
so I could hold conversations with a grave,
drained me till there was nothing left I could have gave.
Showing my shrine to you, an album presented to thin air,
everyday alone,
leaving the rest of life like it wasn’t there,
that place exists still somewhere,
and it remains to remind me of what it feels to care.
There was an overlook where it all went down,
the world went silent as I witnessed the display,
of all that I cared to know taken away,
I rode that route over and again,
tried to imagine how it could have gone another way,
and how you’d have looked today.
The beauty of that mountain path,
stole away all my life and never gave it back,
the grass so pure covered the tale of everything that lay there,
it’s magnificence almost tried to wipe it away,
but all I could see were your scars and your sweet face,
and the iron bench I put in that place,
so I could hold conversations with a grave,
drained me till there was nothing left I could have gave.
Showing my shrine to you, an album presented to thin air,
everyday alone,
leaving the rest of life like it wasn’t there,
that place exists still somewhere,
and it remains to remind me of what it feels to care.
Cauterize
I unbutton my brain and throw it away,
the sun welcomes me through the light rain,
my arms fly overseas,
dried leaves beneath starving for me,
I want to return to them at all of sixteen,
left my mind back in private school,
left my desires in a diary of drool,
here in the park I’m not the fool,
seems forever that I can remember,
where I was devoid of all their peering eyes,
where I didn’t feel you where I hide,
at the end of this walkway to all those inner cringes,
I’ll throw them and you away like a druggie knows syringes,
I long to return the flesh to the ground and break free,
but that pain is too great even for I,
so I change like the butterfly,
my moisture goes dry,
never again to cry,
I may be the same on the outside,
I may grow past this phase and make babes,
but no one will ever know me again,
my soul has been raped,
my world left agape,
longing only for that escape,
help me to close it,
you bring the fire and twine and I’ll provide the tape.
I unbutton my brain and throw it away,
the sun welcomes me through the light rain,
my arms fly overseas,
dried leaves beneath starving for me,
I want to return to them at all of sixteen,
left my mind back in private school,
left my desires in a diary of drool,
here in the park I’m not the fool,
seems forever that I can remember,
where I was devoid of all their peering eyes,
where I didn’t feel you where I hide,
at the end of this walkway to all those inner cringes,
I’ll throw them and you away like a druggie knows syringes,
I long to return the flesh to the ground and break free,
but that pain is too great even for I,
so I change like the butterfly,
my moisture goes dry,
never again to cry,
I may be the same on the outside,
I may grow past this phase and make babes,
but no one will ever know me again,
my soul has been raped,
my world left agape,
longing only for that escape,
help me to close it,
you bring the fire and twine and I’ll provide the tape.
Vectors
Moving along that line
energy streams ripped bare
and bystanders stop and stare
picking up responses along the way
wanting a part of something beyond
what they can’t see
I don’t care
come along for the rush
get behind the push
promise if it wasn’t for you
I won’t gush
Moving along that line
energy streams ripped bare
and bystanders stop and stare
picking up responses along the way
wanting a part of something beyond
what they can’t see
I don’t care
come along for the rush
get behind the push
promise if it wasn’t for you
I won’t gush
Compass
A shadow of yourself for longer than remembered
no shame in being revived
no need of pride looking them square in the eyes
they, your resuscitation
could be hacked or attacked by them
could be sickening
yet once you’ve felt the burden of their life’s intense awakening burst within you
having tasted things hitherto beyond
no longer are fond
or patronizingly polite
but urgent,
violently elated that you still touch emotion
feel it’s devotion
both to your downfall
and to your elevation
refuse to water down where they led you
never lie they didn’t floor you, all coy
a ferocity, not some toy
you have flown free of the hive
below you they merely survive
where you drift is the crash between the severity of always and die
A shadow of yourself for longer than remembered
no shame in being revived
no need of pride looking them square in the eyes
they, your resuscitation
could be hacked or attacked by them
could be sickening
yet once you’ve felt the burden of their life’s intense awakening burst within you
having tasted things hitherto beyond
no longer are fond
or patronizingly polite
but urgent,
violently elated that you still touch emotion
feel it’s devotion
both to your downfall
and to your elevation
refuse to water down where they led you
never lie they didn’t floor you, all coy
a ferocity, not some toy
you have flown free of the hive
below you they merely survive
where you drift is the crash between the severity of always and die
Outlet
An outlet is less about falling in or out of love or lust and more about trying to bottle and sprinkle the essence of something that, by it’s very nature alludes you and claws at you all the same begging you to unravel it while flying free of all your rational grips of understanding until all you are left with is some outlet that perhaps lets you, for even just a moment, experience again something that you never knew could exist and torments you that in fact it does exist all around you but not on the plane you happen to be on.
An outlet is less about falling in or out of love or lust and more about trying to bottle and sprinkle the essence of something that, by it’s very nature alludes you and claws at you all the same begging you to unravel it while flying free of all your rational grips of understanding until all you are left with is some outlet that perhaps lets you, for even just a moment, experience again something that you never knew could exist and torments you that in fact it does exist all around you but not on the plane you happen to be on.
In the Forge
Went back to face it...
not the demons which since emerged,
next to this,
they would’ve been a cinch,
there by the cul-de-sac, driving by dark houses so inviting,
cozy to the warmth of hearth and home,
I became all we could be,
I swam in your endless sea,
a journey tailored to all I ever cared to meet,
my restless soul would have slept forever there...
now walking that nook,
felt it all with a single look,
all I wanted was your world,
what your mind presented through telepathy,
still couldn’t tame my need,
to undo all these cherished institutions that breed,
with their diluting of concentration of you and you and we,
a hand I’d care not be dealt again,
seeing through you,
coming all this long way to finally have you near,
but finding myself loathing the game,
traded something too precious for the sake of some integrity,
seems something inside just won’t let up in what it seeks,
in the deep,
my rebellion beside the thought of you,
together weep.
Went back to face it...
not the demons which since emerged,
next to this,
they would’ve been a cinch,
there by the cul-de-sac, driving by dark houses so inviting,
cozy to the warmth of hearth and home,
I became all we could be,
I swam in your endless sea,
a journey tailored to all I ever cared to meet,
my restless soul would have slept forever there...
now walking that nook,
felt it all with a single look,
all I wanted was your world,
what your mind presented through telepathy,
still couldn’t tame my need,
to undo all these cherished institutions that breed,
with their diluting of concentration of you and you and we,
a hand I’d care not be dealt again,
seeing through you,
coming all this long way to finally have you near,
but finding myself loathing the game,
traded something too precious for the sake of some integrity,
seems something inside just won’t let up in what it seeks,
in the deep,
my rebellion beside the thought of you,
together weep.
More
It’s pulling so hard
the fabrics collide as the threads begin to tear
now here looking over there
so bare
now frying past mundanity
incinerating the levity
struck by gravity
mistook a single weakness for some wavering desperate bliss
startled to find no one to resist
surprised you weren’t forgotten
to meet a tidal wave crashing through bodies rotten
wondering if your existence actually mattered
or if that reality was as good as tattered
underestimated but typical
this ointment isn’t topical but invasive and embracive
yet this balm lacks a price
enough to soothe you nice
no need to pull till tired and worn
hoping to extract
dragged out long ago
the stores still intact
tug of war is stale
as one’s strength begins to pale
let go, feel the snap
watch the push
as it comes rushing back
out of breath to get every bit
yet if denied
I wouldn’t even take it back
It’s pulling so hard
the fabrics collide as the threads begin to tear
now here looking over there
so bare
now frying past mundanity
incinerating the levity
struck by gravity
mistook a single weakness for some wavering desperate bliss
startled to find no one to resist
surprised you weren’t forgotten
to meet a tidal wave crashing through bodies rotten
wondering if your existence actually mattered
or if that reality was as good as tattered
underestimated but typical
this ointment isn’t topical but invasive and embracive
yet this balm lacks a price
enough to soothe you nice
no need to pull till tired and worn
hoping to extract
dragged out long ago
the stores still intact
tug of war is stale
as one’s strength begins to pale
let go, feel the snap
watch the push
as it comes rushing back
out of breath to get every bit
yet if denied
I wouldn’t even take it back
Home
Here in your warm glow
with nothing beneath me
I float free
can’t say I’ve belonged to anywhere but here
like it had existed all along
never felt a pull so strong
to stay and spend my days
this universe works in such strange ways
Here in your warm glow
with nothing beneath me
I float free
can’t say I’ve belonged to anywhere but here
like it had existed all along
never felt a pull so strong
to stay and spend my days
this universe works in such strange ways
intangible
mental might that outwits you
outthinks you
redirects you
it looks one way then changes to escape
the grips of the mold
something you can feel but can’t hold
or pin
but it gets inside deep within
it shifts your space
failure to avoid
that which you can’t replace
from every era
as it comes crashing over you
no physical replica you can crawl to, hoping it is so
an experience that can’t be chained in the physical
it isn’t warm nor cold
but overpoweringly magical
mental might that outwits you
outthinks you
redirects you
it looks one way then changes to escape
the grips of the mold
something you can feel but can’t hold
or pin
but it gets inside deep within
it shifts your space
failure to avoid
that which you can’t replace
from every era
as it comes crashing over you
no physical replica you can crawl to, hoping it is so
an experience that can’t be chained in the physical
it isn’t warm nor cold
but overpoweringly magical
to leave unruined something actual
remaining unblemished
untarnished from the original
to have smothered the essence
with lust would have left it in negligence
methodical intelligence
meticulous care to endure unending torture
to transcend the physical
and explore the depths I needed to plumb
bodies come and go
died and gone
this intoxication will thrive
never to numb
remaining unblemished
untarnished from the original
to have smothered the essence
with lust would have left it in negligence
methodical intelligence
meticulous care to endure unending torture
to transcend the physical
and explore the depths I needed to plumb
bodies come and go
died and gone
this intoxication will thrive
never to numb
Wet Words
Perspiration or sweat depending on your orientation
words dehydrate as fantasy expels certain radiation
cease fire
soaking up strings of charms
fondling over conjured temptation
not knowing if a jolt may wake thee
or indeed you need vaccination
the more free to fly the more unlimited the slime
wet words soothe those memories you never got to give
ease those worlds calling where you no longer live
quiet the routine with a roar from the unseen
dying for you to let them in
waiting like Dracula for an invitation
you can believe in death or reincarnation
you can believe you’re nothing at all
fluid words trickle into you and creep between your cells
waking your openings and saturating sleeping shells
sex may not be as high as the moon
but in a desert of stone
feeling something ascending the ladder of spells
will serve to remind
that if it means this much as the words drip wetter
the more you awaken it’ll only get better
Perspiration or sweat depending on your orientation
words dehydrate as fantasy expels certain radiation
cease fire
soaking up strings of charms
fondling over conjured temptation
not knowing if a jolt may wake thee
or indeed you need vaccination
the more free to fly the more unlimited the slime
wet words soothe those memories you never got to give
ease those worlds calling where you no longer live
quiet the routine with a roar from the unseen
dying for you to let them in
waiting like Dracula for an invitation
you can believe in death or reincarnation
you can believe you’re nothing at all
fluid words trickle into you and creep between your cells
waking your openings and saturating sleeping shells
sex may not be as high as the moon
but in a desert of stone
feeling something ascending the ladder of spells
will serve to remind
that if it means this much as the words drip wetter
the more you awaken it’ll only get better
Anymore
Just function
euphoria away
the fix and still, the feeling fails to wane
not only a physical hold
in mind scars of a scald
in time nothing to hold
but a flimsy feeling
aching
reeling
life drains through it’s stealing
hide such beauty, kept ever secure
numbness settles the score
don’t care and don’t see
and don’t imagine it anymore
Just function
euphoria away
the fix and still, the feeling fails to wane
not only a physical hold
in mind scars of a scald
in time nothing to hold
but a flimsy feeling
aching
reeling
life drains through it’s stealing
hide such beauty, kept ever secure
numbness settles the score
don’t care and don’t see
and don’t imagine it anymore
Eulogy
As though the wind swept you to this world you arrived into my life,
your tender ways grasped at a cold statue heart and started it beating,
best friend I think I’m still in awe at how easily our time passed,
how being dropped off to sleep always felt I was just leaving home instead,
I wanted to tell you how you affected my calloused world but I was proud,
ached to share youth when I could sense you before we’d even met,
told you the watered down version instead,
moments of searching for the source of that electricity,
tangible ecstasy that mystified me endlessly,
flooded in, bringing hope that I may one day see a purpose to this life,
I seem to be cursed with craving the spiritual side,
a child musing if I was in love with a ghost that followed me,
living beside the graveyard, questioning if someone provided me constant company,
then later we happened to meet...
searching through the maze,
until I heard your name and rested my gaze,
my precious recollections crashed into my space,
it had a name and it’s own story and your face,
was like a déjà vu upon seeing you,
after that it was all I ever knew,
my permeation far outdid my ability to do,
like an all-seeing eye that could relay but could never pry,
my only regret is not being all that could satisfy,
I wish I could have been your happiness as you are mine,
but as I close out these words for you,
though I didn’t give you much of anything,
and though I let you down,
you’re the one who showed me I could still love without hesitation,
to a charred soul a startling revelation,
made me push on and improve my worth,
and though I regret that I’ve missed the many moments of your life,
and though my heart breaks that my absence spelled I didn’t care,
in truth,
there was nowhere else I’d have rather been than with you there,
and as for the overused eulogy,
my sweetest friend you have truly liberated me,
and in return,
I wish for you to fly and be free.
As though the wind swept you to this world you arrived into my life,
your tender ways grasped at a cold statue heart and started it beating,
best friend I think I’m still in awe at how easily our time passed,
how being dropped off to sleep always felt I was just leaving home instead,
I wanted to tell you how you affected my calloused world but I was proud,
ached to share youth when I could sense you before we’d even met,
told you the watered down version instead,
moments of searching for the source of that electricity,
tangible ecstasy that mystified me endlessly,
flooded in, bringing hope that I may one day see a purpose to this life,
I seem to be cursed with craving the spiritual side,
a child musing if I was in love with a ghost that followed me,
living beside the graveyard, questioning if someone provided me constant company,
then later we happened to meet...
searching through the maze,
until I heard your name and rested my gaze,
my precious recollections crashed into my space,
it had a name and it’s own story and your face,
was like a déjà vu upon seeing you,
after that it was all I ever knew,
my permeation far outdid my ability to do,
like an all-seeing eye that could relay but could never pry,
my only regret is not being all that could satisfy,
I wish I could have been your happiness as you are mine,
but as I close out these words for you,
though I didn’t give you much of anything,
and though I let you down,
you’re the one who showed me I could still love without hesitation,
to a charred soul a startling revelation,
made me push on and improve my worth,
and though I regret that I’ve missed the many moments of your life,
and though my heart breaks that my absence spelled I didn’t care,
in truth,
there was nowhere else I’d have rather been than with you there,
and as for the overused eulogy,
my sweetest friend you have truly liberated me,
and in return,
I wish for you to fly and be free.