If I was in a Grave, I'd Be Rolling in it
Disclaimer
If you aren't into the Medieval time period you may want to skip this one though you may gain a new perspective of stuff. If you are, hope you have a chuckle and are entertained as I attempt to narrate for Elizabeth I, Queen of England, from the here and now, just for kicks. (reigned 1558-1603) I have no real interest in religious views and this is based on history, not any current personal animosity. I could care less what people believe. She was an interesting character to say the least.
_________
If I was in a grave, I'd be rolling in it right about now.
Down at the local bookstores, publishers of various colourful varieties carry the tales of my adventurous life as the first autonomous female ruling power of England. Well, recorded in our humaniod tomes anyways. Frankly I wished I would have known the extent of the accounts to come, so I could have governed it better for accuracy! I knew that one youngin in my retinue harboured secret resentment and now I see he stooped low and lied to the annals of history just as soon as I wasn't around to wield the royal whip. Either way I wouldn't have punished him, it's not a crime to be dull of mind, that's not even treason. His guilt was lacking any precision observation. Actually a lot of them missed the damn four masted schooner floating right by, thus I write! I guess if it isn't a time of war where their possessions are at risk people miss boats, but good.
Well back to the topic at hand. If I would have gotten them busier they wouldn't have had time to interpret and fib for me. But with the judgemental catty court goers bickering endlessly about my every stately move, I'm just glad I got a formal funeral ceremony out of the deal! I know I should never be forgiven for what I did to the Catholic Church. How dare I claim that I wish to not make windows of men's souls? How dare a Supreme Ruler feel that the subject of what God is should be left finally to the individual in his heart and not through the coffers of wretched shamanism. Shame on me! I should be ostracized! Well, guess you can't kick the guard dog out of it's own domain, sucks to be you.
Never once did I get an embossed scroll THANKING me for the endless heretic burnings I prevented. See, when you change the rules and there is no longer anyone to fit the definition of "heretic" in England, guess that means no more roasting of folks! You can really do wonders outsmarting the law when you make them. I quite thought it was refreshing to see the "law" beguiled like a virgin at court at it's own soulless game for the sake of betterment. A sharp mind needs weighty things to be entertained by.
No one seems to notice the substantial number of lives saved during that time. It's like a little footnote when everyone celebrates such a long reign. Like "that was nice of her to be thoughtful of the common folk too." Shouldn't every person in power be? Maybe THAT is the question. Shakespeare, bless his heart at least knew to ask questions! I am so happy I helped him along the way and that he is still going strong in the culture. I always sensed he was the starting of a new artistic era.
How people even have a nice thing to say about my half sister Queen Mary today is beyond me. I think she saved the last dregs of her black soul by refusing to sign my death warrant so I could fix her lousy management and putrid appetite for witch burnings. She wasn't religious, she was a henchman and too weak willed to even believe in what to have for breakfast.
Anyhow, back to the matter at hand. No, everyone worries about what was covered in the pulpits at church and whether it was Catholic enough or if it reeked of Protestantism! Well if the then Pope didn't see my value I know at least the townspeople who came to greet me in the streets knew that I had their backs. Whether Catholic or any other form of it, they were sick of Bloody Mary and her sadistic taste for mixing religion and barbecues. No one ever taught those boys it's dangerous to play with fire. Something scarier may arrive that wipes you out and makes you look like squabbling sullied children. Guess this time it was I, at least per Chapters and Barnes and Noble ad infinitum. It's a good read for as little as 10 pounds, though it has holes in the accuracy on my intentions. Well I can't really expect people to see the obvious or be telepathic so I had a spare moment to jot down some facts for anyone interested to know from the royal horses mouth, so to speak.
Yes I will admit most of the facts of the time were pretty well noted, even the unfortunate ones like Mary Queen of Scots was always more attractive than I. Whatever. She was a flake. A French flake. She still annoys me to this day. She won men's hearts, I won their respect. What army of men have ever listened to a female sovereign on the same battle ground they stood on before war and not wanted to tear her to bits for her condescension? Mine. They cheered and they did heed and they saw I wore armour not only in body but to my core too and they won over the impending Spain with it's vile thirst for the habits of the Inquisition. Though it was deemed impossible it did occur and the torturing "priests" were kept at bay another century or two.
Ok now to the matter at hand. I will have you know I was never any "ism". If it needed a label it was "Protestantism" as that is what people could agree upon without tearing each other to pieces. It was some basic agreements of the Bible and God which got all these rowdy peeps to at least have some common ground to move forward and plant another seed for tomorrow! But a perfect system, never! It was the lesser of a few available evils. Don't get me wrong, religion is not evil! Forced dogma with a brutal hand is not spiritual, thus NOT religion! It was a system that the masses eventually could grasp so the bloodshed halted internally. It was never MY heart. If you read my quoted works only then will you ever see my intentions and my view, or lack of. We could have called it "Gibberish" for all I cared but the burnings and fighting needed to cease. I said I don't desire to make a window into men's souls and that my friends, is the truest statement in the books and was the ONLY real belief I personally held.
If I was actually an "ism" then I would have considered likening myself to having inherited the throne through divine will to be blaspheme to even think it, let alone say it! Well I voiced it often but I never defined divine will did I? To each his own. Who am I to tell another man what is divine to him? I would never have to define my view to others as I would never imagine anyone deserved an explanation! I answer to whom I answer to. Period.
Here some history books actually proved the point though people like to ignore even the obvious and it is rarely mentioned, go figure. It is a known fact that my most cherished and closest spiritual advisor and confidant not only in personal matters but in times of war was none other than a known master of the occult and other forms of divination and alchemy. John Dee was ahead of his time. He was you could say the modern Warlock of his age. How did he get into the realm of a sole Christian dominated empire? Sought out and hand selected of course. Any died in the wool Protestant Queen would have turned only to a Protestant priest for her most difficult problems and conundrums but no, she had a wizard to hand. It was he that she called on after hearing all the "logic" of her counsel. It is human folly to never question why the square peg isn't fitting into the round hole. People will always make fit what they are comfortable with. As the laws had changed they couldn't even burn their own Queen as a heretic. I must say my timing on picking my friends was truly immaculate and "law abiding".
Do you think I didn't learn a few things watching my father, Henry VIII murder wives all over the place trying to beat the system of enforced continued marriage? Not to excuse his complete obvious insanity but early on he was presented a major problem of not being sanctioned to divorce and boy did he solve it with Authority and a few executioners to boot. I said I emulated him but that was purely on being rebellious and being a willing leader, nothing more my friends. Bad rules help an already criminal mind take the final leap. He paid his dues in misery. I know, I ate dinner with him when the footlights were off.
I supported a system of a human society that THEY could accept within the framework of their tiny simple views. If anyone had really read the scribe's account of the exact words I had ever voiced it's all there clear as day. I think I'll suggest they issue a book of my quotes and let's be done with all this misinterpretation! Unfortunately there have been fabricated quotes so I say, you can't control everything. So be it. I would have been just as happy that we all feel whatever we want and to hell with a regimented thing! But that was not real in Old England so I settled for what could be grasped. Yes my boat had sailed long ago and apparently I was the only one to see it, moor it or touch foot on it's decks! Well someone's gotta captain it so guess the only man, or woman at the helm is bound by duty!
And lastly the big hurrah about how happily I wanted to be the Virgin Queen and all that religious stuff; honestly I would have preferred to run off with Sir Robert Dudley and be less than virginal regularly. Thanks for asking. I had to skip all that to become a symbol of a force of KINDNESS to be reckoned with to stand guard so children could sleep in their meager beds, not awaking to their parents disappearing over the question of crucifixes. I had to keep a watchful eye that I stay alive.
The books will never tell you that I always had a tiny fold out dagger in my petticoat in case I was ever captured by unscrupulous men and had to either murder them or myself to avoid letting them make an example of having denigrated, tortured and overcome the one hope for religious peace in the era. I had a ring with a small amount of poison under it's jeweled lid for the same purpose, should the need ever arise. Ever watchful far beyond the food tasters. Always alert. I had a dagger laying in my bed where a husband should have been.
Many have stated my white garbs were to point up my virginal aspirations, that I was trying to convince everyone I didn't have a dirty mind and that I was in denial about falling for Lord Robert. You would have had to been an imbecile to not know I had the hots for him! Some deemed I wanted to be the Mother Mary from the scriptures. Again human folly wins the day just as symbols can overwhelm judgement. Only two people knew why exactly I wore the white as my ceremonial garb. Sir Robert Dudley and Sir Walsingham, my most trusted advisor, were the only people privy to my mind but I outlived them both, thus again here I write!
And now that I have your undivided attention, drumroll please...
What colour of fabric does blood show up most upon? There is your answer. I would embody royal ceremonial robes of a nature so pristine that any blood spattered from dirty means, even those of England's, would appear vividly to my senses, thus keeping my exalted self humbled not only to the bloodshed of senseless enemies but also to the common folk that would carry out our sick, yet apparently "necessary" war escapades. War is the game of rats, nay, I wouldn't offend a rat!
All of history calls me the "Virgin Queen" but I privately knew my real name, Elizabeth, the Vigil Queen. I would jest and say it aloud to my very closest companions and they knew exactly who was on duty for them. Too much blood had been shed already for any sane man's taste so I'd say my legacy was far off from a dogma or an "ism" but more precisely a more orderly system where more children were allowed to grow up without having their parents burned at the stake and their personal thoughts and dreams raped and pilloried.
I think it was a life well lived, considering the brutal frame of reference and the age and considering mankind's history on religious matters. The writers of "history books" always seem inclined to politics and unheroic details of in fighting and little frenzied games of mice, so they too would miss the boat, actually the whole point.
If you aren't into the Medieval time period you may want to skip this one though you may gain a new perspective of stuff. If you are, hope you have a chuckle and are entertained as I attempt to narrate for Elizabeth I, Queen of England, from the here and now, just for kicks. (reigned 1558-1603) I have no real interest in religious views and this is based on history, not any current personal animosity. I could care less what people believe. She was an interesting character to say the least.
_________
If I was in a grave, I'd be rolling in it right about now.
Down at the local bookstores, publishers of various colourful varieties carry the tales of my adventurous life as the first autonomous female ruling power of England. Well, recorded in our humaniod tomes anyways. Frankly I wished I would have known the extent of the accounts to come, so I could have governed it better for accuracy! I knew that one youngin in my retinue harboured secret resentment and now I see he stooped low and lied to the annals of history just as soon as I wasn't around to wield the royal whip. Either way I wouldn't have punished him, it's not a crime to be dull of mind, that's not even treason. His guilt was lacking any precision observation. Actually a lot of them missed the damn four masted schooner floating right by, thus I write! I guess if it isn't a time of war where their possessions are at risk people miss boats, but good.
Well back to the topic at hand. If I would have gotten them busier they wouldn't have had time to interpret and fib for me. But with the judgemental catty court goers bickering endlessly about my every stately move, I'm just glad I got a formal funeral ceremony out of the deal! I know I should never be forgiven for what I did to the Catholic Church. How dare I claim that I wish to not make windows of men's souls? How dare a Supreme Ruler feel that the subject of what God is should be left finally to the individual in his heart and not through the coffers of wretched shamanism. Shame on me! I should be ostracized! Well, guess you can't kick the guard dog out of it's own domain, sucks to be you.
Never once did I get an embossed scroll THANKING me for the endless heretic burnings I prevented. See, when you change the rules and there is no longer anyone to fit the definition of "heretic" in England, guess that means no more roasting of folks! You can really do wonders outsmarting the law when you make them. I quite thought it was refreshing to see the "law" beguiled like a virgin at court at it's own soulless game for the sake of betterment. A sharp mind needs weighty things to be entertained by.
No one seems to notice the substantial number of lives saved during that time. It's like a little footnote when everyone celebrates such a long reign. Like "that was nice of her to be thoughtful of the common folk too." Shouldn't every person in power be? Maybe THAT is the question. Shakespeare, bless his heart at least knew to ask questions! I am so happy I helped him along the way and that he is still going strong in the culture. I always sensed he was the starting of a new artistic era.
How people even have a nice thing to say about my half sister Queen Mary today is beyond me. I think she saved the last dregs of her black soul by refusing to sign my death warrant so I could fix her lousy management and putrid appetite for witch burnings. She wasn't religious, she was a henchman and too weak willed to even believe in what to have for breakfast.
Anyhow, back to the matter at hand. No, everyone worries about what was covered in the pulpits at church and whether it was Catholic enough or if it reeked of Protestantism! Well if the then Pope didn't see my value I know at least the townspeople who came to greet me in the streets knew that I had their backs. Whether Catholic or any other form of it, they were sick of Bloody Mary and her sadistic taste for mixing religion and barbecues. No one ever taught those boys it's dangerous to play with fire. Something scarier may arrive that wipes you out and makes you look like squabbling sullied children. Guess this time it was I, at least per Chapters and Barnes and Noble ad infinitum. It's a good read for as little as 10 pounds, though it has holes in the accuracy on my intentions. Well I can't really expect people to see the obvious or be telepathic so I had a spare moment to jot down some facts for anyone interested to know from the royal horses mouth, so to speak.
Yes I will admit most of the facts of the time were pretty well noted, even the unfortunate ones like Mary Queen of Scots was always more attractive than I. Whatever. She was a flake. A French flake. She still annoys me to this day. She won men's hearts, I won their respect. What army of men have ever listened to a female sovereign on the same battle ground they stood on before war and not wanted to tear her to bits for her condescension? Mine. They cheered and they did heed and they saw I wore armour not only in body but to my core too and they won over the impending Spain with it's vile thirst for the habits of the Inquisition. Though it was deemed impossible it did occur and the torturing "priests" were kept at bay another century or two.
Ok now to the matter at hand. I will have you know I was never any "ism". If it needed a label it was "Protestantism" as that is what people could agree upon without tearing each other to pieces. It was some basic agreements of the Bible and God which got all these rowdy peeps to at least have some common ground to move forward and plant another seed for tomorrow! But a perfect system, never! It was the lesser of a few available evils. Don't get me wrong, religion is not evil! Forced dogma with a brutal hand is not spiritual, thus NOT religion! It was a system that the masses eventually could grasp so the bloodshed halted internally. It was never MY heart. If you read my quoted works only then will you ever see my intentions and my view, or lack of. We could have called it "Gibberish" for all I cared but the burnings and fighting needed to cease. I said I don't desire to make a window into men's souls and that my friends, is the truest statement in the books and was the ONLY real belief I personally held.
If I was actually an "ism" then I would have considered likening myself to having inherited the throne through divine will to be blaspheme to even think it, let alone say it! Well I voiced it often but I never defined divine will did I? To each his own. Who am I to tell another man what is divine to him? I would never have to define my view to others as I would never imagine anyone deserved an explanation! I answer to whom I answer to. Period.
Here some history books actually proved the point though people like to ignore even the obvious and it is rarely mentioned, go figure. It is a known fact that my most cherished and closest spiritual advisor and confidant not only in personal matters but in times of war was none other than a known master of the occult and other forms of divination and alchemy. John Dee was ahead of his time. He was you could say the modern Warlock of his age. How did he get into the realm of a sole Christian dominated empire? Sought out and hand selected of course. Any died in the wool Protestant Queen would have turned only to a Protestant priest for her most difficult problems and conundrums but no, she had a wizard to hand. It was he that she called on after hearing all the "logic" of her counsel. It is human folly to never question why the square peg isn't fitting into the round hole. People will always make fit what they are comfortable with. As the laws had changed they couldn't even burn their own Queen as a heretic. I must say my timing on picking my friends was truly immaculate and "law abiding".
Do you think I didn't learn a few things watching my father, Henry VIII murder wives all over the place trying to beat the system of enforced continued marriage? Not to excuse his complete obvious insanity but early on he was presented a major problem of not being sanctioned to divorce and boy did he solve it with Authority and a few executioners to boot. I said I emulated him but that was purely on being rebellious and being a willing leader, nothing more my friends. Bad rules help an already criminal mind take the final leap. He paid his dues in misery. I know, I ate dinner with him when the footlights were off.
I supported a system of a human society that THEY could accept within the framework of their tiny simple views. If anyone had really read the scribe's account of the exact words I had ever voiced it's all there clear as day. I think I'll suggest they issue a book of my quotes and let's be done with all this misinterpretation! Unfortunately there have been fabricated quotes so I say, you can't control everything. So be it. I would have been just as happy that we all feel whatever we want and to hell with a regimented thing! But that was not real in Old England so I settled for what could be grasped. Yes my boat had sailed long ago and apparently I was the only one to see it, moor it or touch foot on it's decks! Well someone's gotta captain it so guess the only man, or woman at the helm is bound by duty!
And lastly the big hurrah about how happily I wanted to be the Virgin Queen and all that religious stuff; honestly I would have preferred to run off with Sir Robert Dudley and be less than virginal regularly. Thanks for asking. I had to skip all that to become a symbol of a force of KINDNESS to be reckoned with to stand guard so children could sleep in their meager beds, not awaking to their parents disappearing over the question of crucifixes. I had to keep a watchful eye that I stay alive.
The books will never tell you that I always had a tiny fold out dagger in my petticoat in case I was ever captured by unscrupulous men and had to either murder them or myself to avoid letting them make an example of having denigrated, tortured and overcome the one hope for religious peace in the era. I had a ring with a small amount of poison under it's jeweled lid for the same purpose, should the need ever arise. Ever watchful far beyond the food tasters. Always alert. I had a dagger laying in my bed where a husband should have been.
Many have stated my white garbs were to point up my virginal aspirations, that I was trying to convince everyone I didn't have a dirty mind and that I was in denial about falling for Lord Robert. You would have had to been an imbecile to not know I had the hots for him! Some deemed I wanted to be the Mother Mary from the scriptures. Again human folly wins the day just as symbols can overwhelm judgement. Only two people knew why exactly I wore the white as my ceremonial garb. Sir Robert Dudley and Sir Walsingham, my most trusted advisor, were the only people privy to my mind but I outlived them both, thus again here I write!
And now that I have your undivided attention, drumroll please...
What colour of fabric does blood show up most upon? There is your answer. I would embody royal ceremonial robes of a nature so pristine that any blood spattered from dirty means, even those of England's, would appear vividly to my senses, thus keeping my exalted self humbled not only to the bloodshed of senseless enemies but also to the common folk that would carry out our sick, yet apparently "necessary" war escapades. War is the game of rats, nay, I wouldn't offend a rat!
All of history calls me the "Virgin Queen" but I privately knew my real name, Elizabeth, the Vigil Queen. I would jest and say it aloud to my very closest companions and they knew exactly who was on duty for them. Too much blood had been shed already for any sane man's taste so I'd say my legacy was far off from a dogma or an "ism" but more precisely a more orderly system where more children were allowed to grow up without having their parents burned at the stake and their personal thoughts and dreams raped and pilloried.
I think it was a life well lived, considering the brutal frame of reference and the age and considering mankind's history on religious matters. The writers of "history books" always seem inclined to politics and unheroic details of in fighting and little frenzied games of mice, so they too would miss the boat, actually the whole point.
