UnNumb
near
your proximity
what will become of me...
who do i turn to...
to stitch the wound
your proximity
what will become of me...
who do i turn to...
to stitch the wound
half full
i may never have had you,
but i have you,
and they are long gone.
i may never have had you,
but i have you,
and they are long gone.
fantaseyes
looking my way,
never a clue you liked what you saw,
oblivious to any worth i may ever be,
how different it would have been,
if only i had seen,
thought those eyes only looked past me to others,
as i fantasized your gaze was meant for me,
now chained by all i could never see.
looking my way,
never a clue you liked what you saw,
oblivious to any worth i may ever be,
how different it would have been,
if only i had seen,
thought those eyes only looked past me to others,
as i fantasized your gaze was meant for me,
now chained by all i could never see.
gluttony
i ride the low to taste your highs
i writhe with you in mind
i wait between thighs
predator but really hunting for need
if i got hold of thee
pure gluttony
thirsty to drink
teeth itch to sink
i’m hungry
i’m edgy
i’m longing and you’re hedging
never just once would do
i’d keep you alive to violate you anew
we’d never get free
the seven deadly sins got nothing on me
i ride the low to taste your highs
i writhe with you in mind
i wait between thighs
predator but really hunting for need
if i got hold of thee
pure gluttony
thirsty to drink
teeth itch to sink
i’m hungry
i’m edgy
i’m longing and you’re hedging
never just once would do
i’d keep you alive to violate you anew
we’d never get free
the seven deadly sins got nothing on me
feeling
when i want to run away
you convince me to stay
easing my thoughts in the most direct way
when i want to just give up
from the pressure of this pain
we walk in my mind
you make it all okay
giving up is not an option you say
better this than what we were yesterday
at least you exist on my plane
at least i can sense you in the most intimate way
this world isn’t the same without you in it you say
now you know what i’ve felt like from the very first day
mad
think i’m a tease
think i’m at ease
but i drown in disease
trickling bits of sick
no choice in the matter
like the mad hatter
beneath you all
i failed you jason,
showed up half your age,
a child with a long past,
we could never start,
couldn’t even start to last,
i knew you already Jason,
an hour meeting you became a lifetime of pain,
you were flustered by your emotions towards my innocence perceived,
we were confused by how that basement became our shared magic world,
how our parents saying goodbye left you and i betrayed,
the drive home and a small girl knew all there was of heartbreak,
we could never be,
born at the wrong times,
now facing separate lives,
i still see sandy brown and blue green warmth when i’ve seen similar faces,
the eternal absence of you,
is what i’ve always run to,
someone who loved me through and through,
made me the queen of my flimsy princess dream,
jason in my mind,
you have always been.
when i want to run away
you convince me to stay
easing my thoughts in the most direct way
when i want to just give up
from the pressure of this pain
we walk in my mind
you make it all okay
giving up is not an option you say
better this than what we were yesterday
at least you exist on my plane
at least i can sense you in the most intimate way
this world isn’t the same without you in it you say
now you know what i’ve felt like from the very first day
mad
think i’m a tease
think i’m at ease
but i drown in disease
trickling bits of sick
no choice in the matter
like the mad hatter
beneath you all
i failed you jason,
showed up half your age,
a child with a long past,
we could never start,
couldn’t even start to last,
i knew you already Jason,
an hour meeting you became a lifetime of pain,
you were flustered by your emotions towards my innocence perceived,
we were confused by how that basement became our shared magic world,
how our parents saying goodbye left you and i betrayed,
the drive home and a small girl knew all there was of heartbreak,
we could never be,
born at the wrong times,
now facing separate lives,
i still see sandy brown and blue green warmth when i’ve seen similar faces,
the eternal absence of you,
is what i’ve always run to,
someone who loved me through and through,
made me the queen of my flimsy princess dream,
jason in my mind,
you have always been.
desperation
still walking toward the sun that burns
the stinger
i almost traverse the forge with steel intact
then just a quiet sliver of you
i become detached
from all that is worldly
and my past falls behind
no longer a name or a face
no more in a time or place
achilles heel
i tell myself be brave
i plead with myself behave
don’t budge
don’t cave
but at this opening
i’m neither here nor there
as you’ve again become my everywhere
and you were looking for me
when i thought the thought of you
and you did seek me when i wanted to run to the shelter of you
where i rested my demonic head
and became feminine affection
and i shared my highs
and i drowned in my low tides
and you came along for the ride
and didn't buckle as my mind screamed for you always to be by my side
i wanted a prince
i needed a gem
and when you answered my cries
you were you
you were not them
they will always pale in comparison
forever
always seeing you there
catching up to who we are
running into tomorrow
astounded by you
standing there expecting me
no longer questioning our beauty
the utmost
the presence of your body,
was always exquisite perfection to me,
beautiful male,
actuality to the utmost,
but it is your mind that i miss most.
the problem with me is that i actually love you,
and when you play games or abuse it,
it eventually hurts you more than i,
and it always will,
because my love won’t erase and i am soaked in and protected by it’s purity,
even if i indulge in earthly ways,
they weren’t my first choice and never will be,
they do not hold me as they are based in something that can’t be undone,
something that is loyal to the bottom,
it is eternal,
my love for you is myself,
and myself can’t ever be taken away,
so when you toy with your many ploys,
the burn on my end tears a gaping hole yet immediately mends,
the fate of someone who, once long ago, struck truest love,
knows it as they know themselves,
is to withstand all it’s worldly hate,
to always reach despite the bait,
to watch eyes wide open,
as their heart is broken again and again,
but to never be subjected to their emotion’s degeneration.
the game
you keep searching for me,
not understanding why they are so unforgiving,
the luxury you once had with me,
long before your recent memories,
unending love and tenderness despite all the ways you would transgress,
seemed you could get away with anything,
now others seem to only sting and sting,
not having the love for you to overcome the hate you sometimes create,
in them,
searching desperately,
for that one who keeps you grounded,
makes you fly all the same,
it may not be right or sane,
but it’s all part of the game.
torment
dragged away with claws scraping into the ground,
kept safe and sound,
from all that was myself,
from all i ever wanted to be,
now i’m free,
not bitter though,
just feeling lonely.
dragged away with claws scraping into the ground,
kept safe and sound,
from all that was myself,
from all i ever wanted to be,
now i’m free,
not bitter though,
just feeling lonely.
crazy compass
several glasses of wine,
it still arrived,
loud and clear,
this is more than even i could fear,
now i’m driven somewhere new,
the vodka downed attempts to numb you,
and i’m talking to Paul,
another one in a line with no end,
they are attracted to a heart that never bends,
fascinated by a decaying hole,
and the room was spinning,
and his voice kept echoing,
through my dreary head,
wished i could’ve been dead,
deceased before i’d ever seen you,
or felt what it feels to feel,
my stomach starts to reel,
seemingly worth something somewhere,
the only thing that forces me to try,
to dare,
to keep moving forward,
a welcome burden to surpass this despaired horror,
if this is what Earth has to offer me,
if this is how it goes down under this radar,
i’ll eject beyond need for compass or sonar,
i may suck at all things love,
may not have sucked all i wanted to,
but i have my own state,
i fill my own plate,
and despite watching it all taken away,
witnessing this soul’s utter decay,
i am still unable to hate.
several glasses of wine,
it still arrived,
loud and clear,
this is more than even i could fear,
now i’m driven somewhere new,
the vodka downed attempts to numb you,
and i’m talking to Paul,
another one in a line with no end,
they are attracted to a heart that never bends,
fascinated by a decaying hole,
and the room was spinning,
and his voice kept echoing,
through my dreary head,
wished i could’ve been dead,
deceased before i’d ever seen you,
or felt what it feels to feel,
my stomach starts to reel,
seemingly worth something somewhere,
the only thing that forces me to try,
to dare,
to keep moving forward,
a welcome burden to surpass this despaired horror,
if this is what Earth has to offer me,
if this is how it goes down under this radar,
i’ll eject beyond need for compass or sonar,
i may suck at all things love,
may not have sucked all i wanted to,
but i have my own state,
i fill my own plate,
and despite watching it all taken away,
witnessing this soul’s utter decay,
i am still unable to hate.
door
my intentions unclean,
not pure nor pristine,
they are greedy,
don’t care about this attention and never have,
could care less if interesting,
i have forever to be self-investing,
only notice if you are watching,
if you are there,
the rest of no consequence,
not even remotely chained to sex,
only my one fascination has me perplexed,
makes me want to explore,
what our bodies are for,
but in the heat of my own world,
i will stoke my flames alone,
i will be present no more,
i am closing the door.
my intentions unclean,
not pure nor pristine,
they are greedy,
don’t care about this attention and never have,
could care less if interesting,
i have forever to be self-investing,
only notice if you are watching,
if you are there,
the rest of no consequence,
not even remotely chained to sex,
only my one fascination has me perplexed,
makes me want to explore,
what our bodies are for,
but in the heat of my own world,
i will stoke my flames alone,
i will be present no more,
i am closing the door.
The end
